Column Chronicles: Riff Shattersmith finds peril on the high seas

Riff Shattersmith finds peril on the high seas

Frank Cotolo
March 2, 2023

Anywhere I go on Earth, I, Riff Shattersmith, have become part of unexpected adventures. These are testimonies to such events.

During one September I was on an ocean liner relaxing instead of finding peril and it was wonderful to take a pause from the peril I find in the world and do so without looking for it.

I was on the deck of the Fragrant Queen, a luxurious ship (though there were some important parts made of cheap plastic). I knew Biscuit Elktusk, the multi-trillionaire that financed the ship's building. He was on the ship when I was there but I never expected him to be a messenger of peril. He found me lounging on deck.

"Mr. Shattersmith," said Biscuit, "you'd better come with me."

"Why?"

"I happen to know the ship is headed for the Port of Peril and I know how peril upsets you."

"How kind, Biscuit," I said. "It isn't often that peril finds me. Usually, I find peril."

"The Port of Peril is abundant with the stuff. I happen to know that's why it's named for the venture undertaken without regard to possible loss or injury."

Biscuit's eyes opened wide as he saw the shore approaching and I told him that shores do not approach; it was the ship approaching the shore. Then I heard a familiar sound; the sound of peril. I knew it too well. Then my senses picked up peril's smell and peril's vague shape and I took matters into my own hands. I dragged Biscuit the Bridge and faced the ship's captain, Andy Steerwell.

"You must not stop at the Port of Peril," I said.

"What's it to you?" said Captain Steerwell.

There was no time to explain. I punched him in his droopy nasal tip nose and steered the ship away from shore. Some passengers noticed and began to write nasty letters to Biscuit's company. Biscuit began to cry. The captain went through Biscuit's pockets. The smell of peril became stronger so I sped the ship up and went full steam ahead, even though I had no knowledge of how steam made a ship move.

I sailed the ship until there was no peril in sight and I realized things with me would be different now that peril could find me as well as I could find peril.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.