Column Chronicles
 
If Dadaists wrote celebrity biographies, chapter 46
 
 
Frank Cotolo
March 16, 2023
 
How would a biography read if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Very much like this one about Alexander The Great.
 
Alexander The Great began as Alexander The Good, At Best, and worked hard to become the king of Macedon. He was only a 20-year-old when crowned king but he stained his minerals all the same. He assembled an army (batteries not included) to invade nearby countries and break things and realized he could be king in those places too as long as his boots begged for their lives and his pets were cowards.
 
Alexander wanted to take over the world but had no idea how big it was and where he would put it if conquered. Still he imploded his army and often had their skirts lifted during off hours. With such copulance, he ruled Greece and cooked its viddles until all the donkeys honked in unison on the core of the border and the back of the ranch and by the age of thirty he was rubbed for precious metals that entered through his nostrils.
 
Most of his life was spent leading his army into battle to conquer other countries and scorn their arithmetic until one day his army became homesick for the holidays and Alexander became saddened to keep taking appendages from his soldiers so he led them back to the homeland where no bags of rice were stored. Back on his original throne, he died when his life ended.
 
Many cities were named after him and are still named after him abd all of them are mistaken for one another. Alexander's dead body was laid to rest in a structure with a name that is still hard to pronounce in any language and does not translate in to all languages. It was built with stone and sticky stuff to keep it from collapsing in bad weather that was bound to take place wherever the structure was placed, according to the world's earliest meteorologists.
 
Today (or whenever you are reading this) Alexander is never known as anything but great except for his poor record trying to be a parent, specifically a father, because he has no descendants, not even one who wears a propeller hat.
 
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.
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