Column Chronicles: Cecil The Weasel's obituary

Cecil The Weasel's obituary

Frank Cotolo
April 20, 2022

It is with deep repugnancy that I accepted to read a public obituary for Cecil The Weasel. I knew him and, like all of you in attendance today, I hated him.

He was known as The Weasel because he was no good, just like a weasel. In fact, becore he became known as Cecil The Weasel he was known as Cecil The Skunk, Cecil The Ferret, Cecil The Badger and my favorite, Cecil The Musteline.

From the day Cecil was born he was hated. The doctor who delivered him said to Cecil's mother, "Get rid of him today if possible." That's how obvious it was that Cecil The Weasel was going to be no good as a human.

Thirty-four years later I met him and I was appalled when he offered me two hundred dollars to pound my girlfriend's face with a mallet. I told him it was a outrageous to ask me for money to hurt someone and he said, "All right, I'll do it for free."

Cecil was naturally violent. He took his dogs for walks for kicks, literally kicking them. He chewed his first wife until she divorced him. He tried to steal from homeless people and when they said they owned nothing he hit them senseless with ping pong paddles.

Even Cecil's family hated him. His older sister ran away from home when she was six because Cecil would try to nail her toes to her bed while she slept. He would tell each of his twin brothers one said bad things behind the other's back and get them to fight about it with their fists or baseball bats.

No one knows why Cecil was cruel and uncaring or why he got pleasure from doing awful things. It doesn't matter now. We're all happy because he's dead and the world is a better place without Cecil The Weasel. It's a safer world, too. And it's less one person who had no business being a person. He was more like a weasel or like I called him, Cecil The Musteline.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.