Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote American history, chapter 164

If Dadaists wrote American history, chapter 164

Frank Cotolo
May 18, 2023

How would American history read if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Here's one chapter:

Augustine Washington gave his six-year-old son George a hatchet.

"How did you wrap this without cutting yourself," said George.

His father dragged George into the garden and told him never to use the hatchet on the cherry tree. Then, Augustine went into town and legally changed his first name to Mortimer.

George felt rebelious and began to chop the cherry tree down because he hated cherry pie which he mother (Mrs. Washington) always made (by always we mean every day). When done chopping the tree George grabbed the house cat by its tail and made it dance. His mother was pissed off but she painted the handmade chairs in the house anyway.

When Mortimer (now his dad's name) came home he went directly into the house to set his boots aflame but when he asked for a piece of cherry pie his wife cried and hid under the handmade bed.

"George said, "I didn't chop down the cherry tree. It was he kid next door, the one who sucks musket barrels. He did it."

Mortimer walked to the neighbor's house and told the kid because he chopped the tree down he would never be the head of the Continental Army or the nation’s first President. The kid, who was only two, did not understand the word "army" and ran to Delaware.

George Washington died unexpectedly at 67 in 1799. Before he died his version of the cherry tree story included the line "I cannot tell a lie" which was a lie that proved he could lie and then he was dead in 1799.

His mother and father died before him, though he told everyone his father died in child birth. George also lied about the brothers he said invented the Continental Breakfasts that were popular at hotels and that those brothers were fatal victims of a hatchet murderer whom was said to roam New York on roller skates.

George thought America had a good chance of continuing without liking the British but did not live to see the popularity of English Muffins which proved him wrong. He was elected to two terms as the first president of the U.S. and did not like playing trivia games while he served.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.