Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote American history, chapter 26

If Dadaists wrote American history, chapter 26

Frank Cotolo
August 17, 2023

How would American history read if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Here's one chapter:

Of all the U.S. Presidents, history will record they all liked to sit a lot and none were able to use chopsticks. John Adams liked to spin in place and used socks for gloves when dancing with acrobats. As well, Cleveland never visited Cleveland and Taylor could rope a rabbit and choke a groundhog without coughing.

Take Wilson, for instance. He counted his ribs daily and learned to dance the Mambo while running a high fever. He was nothing like Truman, who could not resist reading a map before sniffing it.

Whatever you may think of Harding you should consider he fed his horses with a pitchfork and glued his shoes on his feet but had no sense of which rung on a ladder he should use to start climbing. In that respect he was like Ford, who cheated at Solitaire and built soldier statues with number two pencils. It made Garfield's attempts at apple-bobbing look ornary, though he was buried with a turbin.

Foremost in hand puppet skills, Taft had a sense of humor that he carried in a bucket and sang tenor at the age of six. Still, Polk moved a steamroller with his bare hands but could not budge it with his alligator hands.

The first Bush made his own toilet but his son Bush was no plumber and was banned from the Oval Office bathroom by his mechanic. Fillmore had two doubles he swore were twins; Jackson and Lincoln had different birthdays but celebrated on haystacks; Kennedy made strong paper airplanes; Nixon licked stamps for fun; Monroe and Madison exchanged wigs often.

Of all the U.S. presidents, though, only ten could not squat, only eight had tattoos on their underarms; just two slept with their eyes open; and thirteen believed the moon was made of cheese, though none liked Texas.

During each one's election campaign, five did not know algebra, three could imitate animal sounds, one was impotent, four made perfect hand-shadow penguins and fifteen had mothers they called mommy until they died.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.