Column Chronicles: The Klempth Effect - Frank Cotolo on 148.ca

The Klempth Effect

Frank Cotolo
September 28, 2023

It was another tough year for disease detectives. For the second straight year they have been studying a human malady known as The Klempth Effect.

"It's an intellgent sickness," said its namesake, Dr. Wittiker Klempth. "Never before have we found an illness able to mutate its symptoms from one person to the next. This is why it's called an Effect."

After a few years when researchers were unable to diagnose certain illnesses in individuals, Dr. Klempth came up with a theory that people experiencing breathing problems may have the same illness as people with stomach problems.

"As well," said Dr. Klempth, "a person with a sore throat could be suffering from the same physical bug as a person with an ear ache. We're hoping to identify the Effect before there are casualties."

The Klempth Effect has so many symptoms that some known fatal diseases have been misdiagnosed, so the medical community is expecting casualties soon (the community has a wagering pool that grows each day the Effect is not an official cause of death).

"One doctor tried to forge a death certificate for a man whose heart stopped on a roller coaster," said an oddsmaker from Nevada, "but it was just a heart attack."

Panic is also a concern. People having sore throats one day and kidney pain the next and both of those symptoms gone the third day when a toothache ensues, are claiming they have the Effect, causing chaos at hospitals.

"It's possible," said Dr. Klempth, "to have an ear ache followed by a mini-stroke but is that the Effect or just an ear ache followed by a mini-stroke? It'll take years to isolate what is going on."

Edmund Welk of the Universal Disease Society (UDS) told us there may be a need for a radical approach to the research. "If the Effect is an intelligent illness, it may be best to try to communicate with it and understand why it changes its symptoms."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.