Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote American history, chapter 3

If Dadaists wrote American history, chapter 3

Frank Cotolo
October 19, 2023

How would American history read if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Here's one chapter:

The American Revolution was a big thing and the British didn't like the idea of it starting because Britain owned the colonies and wanted to have each of them dissolved in grape juice. People in the colonies knew they could never be British or else the time of day would look Chinese, so a revolution began.

The King of British was constipated and sent his soldiers to the colonies with stiff underwear and tight cheeks, not to mention muskets and Scottish accents and the wrath of racoons. Still, the colonies demanded freedom to start their own country because, for one, they already had the land to do so, and for another, they needed a major holiday with fireworks.

The revolution was more a war than a skirmish and less a tadpole than a scallywag so the colonies started an army with little men and little feet and the French helped. The King of British made his soldiers shoot at them and eat Roman numerals and told them they would never be free and never meant always and then he spat upon a thought of killing their empathy for facial hair.

One colony army guy said, "Give me liberty or give me death," and the British decided death was the best for them so they packed their ships with boots and bangers and mash and their apatures stank to the hilt and their hilts leveled the fields that stank from the stench of soldiers and then the revolution continued.

Boom. Bang. Crash. Kaboom.

The British lost and the colonies became free to be manual and cook scones on stoves made of stone and be silly with blacksmiths and whitesmiths and the corpuscles of the caucasian race.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.