Column Chronicles: Orin Monstrosity obituary

Orin Monstrosity obituary

Frank Cotolo
November 16, 2023

I accepted to give this public obituary for Orin Monstrosity because he deserves better than what anyone else would have said about him. I know this because I have heard so many things said about him and most were fat jokes.

No one knows how much it hurt him when someone said, "When Orin Monstrosity sits around the house, he sits around the house." Don't laugh. It's disrespectful. Funny, but it hurt him and it took a lot to hurt Orin Monstrosity. Don't laugh.

And no one let up on him, which made him sad. And let's face it, when Orin Monstrosity was down it took a great deal to lift him. Don't laugh. Stop it.

Orin Monstrosity was largely... don't laugh. I'll rephrase that. Orin Monstrosity was basically a man of good humor. And boy, he liked any product from the Good Humor ice cream company. Hey, I'm not going to tell you again. Shush.

He took me aside once, and if Orin Monstrosity every took you aside, it was the size of a baseball field. No, no, stop. This is a funeral and just because Orin Monstrosity has to be buried in a casket the size of a piano crate doesn't mean you should disrespect him. Okay, let it all out once and for all. I'll give you a moment.

He did good things. He helped invent the weighing scale that spoke the words "to be continued" when an overweight person stepped on it. Hey, giggles count as laughs, people. Shush.

I know above all I will miss Orin Monstrosity because I got close to him. Well, no one could get truly close to him, right?

But remember the next time you laugh at Orin Monstrosity that for him life was like a box of chocolates: It ended sooner because he was fat.

Okay, let's have it your way. Laugh it up. Go ahead.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.