Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote celebrity biographies, chapter 345

If Dadaists wrote celebrity biographies, chapter 345

Frank Cotolo
January 12, 2023

How would a biography read if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Very much like this one about Ulysses S. Grant:

The greatest general of a man in the Civil War was Ulysses S. Grant. He worked for the North by organizing soldier deaths of the enemy army and their dirty uniforms that opened on both ends with no zippers. Often, before he was a general, he would sit under an oak tree and think about inventing the ukulele.

Grant's father was Grant Grant because his wife stammered and was too small to roll out the barrel and have a lot of fun. Still, he joined the army for hot potatoes and clean hand soap and was so good at being in the army that President Lincoln made him a general at the same time he learned to French kiss.

General Grant was happy to generalize because there was always alcohol for generals and he gave orders to his soldiers to always give the middle finger to the enemy before killing them.

He was married to Mrs. Grant and they had three children during The Civil War. Two fought for the south before they were aged 12 and one of them grew into an adult with no verbal skills.

On the other hand, Grant ran for president and won thanks to the amount of votes he got and because the South lost the war and nearly fainted. As president, Grant always skiied to work and carried his own spoons for eating, though his wife shaved her legs too often and drew a lot of blood.

President Grant won two terms to the office but not once did he shiver on the Jewish holidays. He passed good laws, ones with short words that anyone could read, even the blind, and he smoked cigars, maybe twenty by noon and twoeth by sea. He made sure that America stayed united, mostly because he did not want to have to change the name of the country to the Non-United States or Bolivia.

And years after his presidency burned to a crisp came one cold night when the wind whistled through the barriers of orange groves and snow shot out of the noses of the religious. That night, U.S. Grant died and stopped the writing of his biography because there was no life left in him.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.