Column Chronicles: Ask Mr. Relationship, #1

Ask Mr. Relationship, #1

Frank Cotolo
January 19, 2023

He is an expert at what is best for relationships and that's why he's called Mr. Relationship and answers questions about the intimacy of relationships.

Q: I have had six wives and all of them have said the same thing to me about how I walk, talk and eat. Why can't I stay married?

A: You could stay married if you just stand still, shut up and go hungry.

Q: My girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I carry around a blinkie. She says it's childish but I cannot sleep without my blinkie. What do I do?

A: The blinkie controversary is common but many couples settle the problems a blinkie causes by holding a public ceremony with close friends where everyone eats, drinks and burns the blinkie to ashes. The data on this is hopeful. After the ceremony, 20 percent of blinkie addicts do not need blinkies on even-numbered days; 30 percent wean off of blinkies in a few months by taking large doses of Vitamin E and learning how to keep score of tennis matches; and 50 percent never look at a blinkie if the people invited to the ceremony continue to meet weekly and have group sex.

Q: Is it wrong to lie to your girlfriend by telling her you are gay when there is no other reason you won't have sex with her?

A: All lies in relationships are bad to rely upon when you cannot face the actual problem. Why? Because telling a lie makes you tell more lies that get bigger and more ridiculous to the point where your girlfriend is bound to show you her breasts and say, 'Hey, you don't like these?' Then get out.

Q: I followed your advice last time I wrote to you but time passed and I don't remember if it worked or not. Please tell me again.

A: I don't know you or your problem and I believe you are suffering from an illness that may be fatal, in which case nothing matters.

Q: Do you work on Wednesdays?

A: Often, yes.

Q: You saved my marriage and my children thank you.

A: Good, but do you thank me?

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.