Column Chronicles: Stop drinking and live longer

Stop drinking and live longer

Frank Cotolo
February 2, 2023

We all know getting drunk can be fun under the right circumstances but even when drinking safely it is proven that over the long run the practice is not perfect. Consuming great amounts of alcohol into the body corrupts important functions that must work well in order for the body to survive.

"Survival is important for a long life to ensue," said Dr. Ingmar Boycott. "Booze, as it is called, though sometimes it is known as Hooch, Moonshine, Jazz Juice, Liquid Courage, Snooze Soda, Seven Hiccup, Backdoor Beverage, Puke Pepsi, Throat Liner, Get-going Gas, Vomit Vasaline and more, is also addictive and few, if any, addicitions aid in longevity."

Research shows that booze (Hooch, Moonshine, Jazz Juice, Liquid Courage, etctera) changes sleep patterns necessary to sleep without waking up. This is not just a strain to the body's important resting schedule, it's a incentive to yawn more while awake.

Booze also damages the liver and damaging the liver causes bad breath, limping, fear of orphanages, earlobe disfiguration and being passive when whipped violently. "Don't forget death," said Dr. Boycott after reading the start of this paragraph.

"Drunks and dementia are partners," said researcher Biff Scones. "Our data shows people lose many mental tools when drinking heavily. Of course there were these two drunks that changed their surnames to Drunk and Dementia and went on tour as a comedy team. They did well until their mental faculties failed and they literally died on stage."

"Alcoholism is nothing to joke about," said Dr. Ipsam Regulato of the Institute to Sober Up (ISU). "When the body corrodes from the inside out it can stop without a moment's notice, maybe quicker than that. There are drunks that walk around for days before they realize they cannot breathe."

ISU has a program for people needing to kick alcohol addiction. The elements of the program are a secret, said Dr. Regulato, "however I can reveal that it does involve pineapples, wisk brooms and the roots of a Chinese Wisteria Tree."

You can live a long and healthy life if you manage your alcohol intake so above all try to manage your alcohol intake or better yet, don't drink at all, even if it sounds cool to consume Hooch, Moonshine, Jazz Juice, Liquid Courage, Snooze Soda, Seven Hiccup, Backdoor Beverage, Puke Pepsi, Throat Liner, Get-going Gas, Vomit Vasaline and more.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.