Column Chronicles: More classic films Dadaists wrote

More classic films Dadaists wrote

Frank Cotolo
May 9, 2024

How would certain classic motion pictures been different if written by Dadaists, the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Here are examples:

The Godfather: THE GOD-AWFUL FATHER
A man comes from another country to America with tough knuckles and starts a family that breaks laws and jaws. He rules a cotton palace in New York and sells Olive Oil land to sailors with puss-filled arms. But when the God-Awful Father shoves a sailor's pipe down his throat while smoking it the police drown in the East River.

The Godfather, Part II: THE GOD-AWFUL FATHER RETURNS
The God-Awful Father's kids grow up and punch all the faces of everyone they meet for years until the wine is tepid and chewed. Other families grow up and some wear aprons to hide machine guns. Time passes and one of the God-Awful Father's kids becomes boss and another one disappears in purple rust quicker than nurses are born The new boss likes crime, starts his own family and swears he can decapitate Earth.

Rosemary's Baby: SATAN SCORES A SON
An actor pimps his wife to Satan so he could wipe her booty with his winding snake tail and have his son. No one tells her this is happening so she has pre-partem psychosis and craves celery flakes. When she finds out Satan chtooped her she rolls her husband into a flannel rug while Satan worshippers dance with shoelaces on their earlobes until the baby is born. Then she realizes she is a mother and hurls barleycorn bombs at everyone. Satan laughs.

The Hustler: POOL MAN COOL MAN
A guy challenges the greatest pool player who is steaming in his trousers and wants no part of polygamy eight-balls. The guy bets a stench bucket and plays the best pool player with his feet dripping gravy and he banks the best pool player's balls off the table and wins but dies from boredom.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.