Column Chronicles: Ask Dr. Wizard - Frank Cotolo on 148.ca

Ask Dr. Wizard

Frank Cotolo
May 16, 2024

When a person is hesitant to trust the science of medicine and the skills of a medical doctor, that person is left with only one alternative: asking advice from the magical Dr. Wizard.

Q: I love my wife, believe me Dr. Wizard, but she doesn't listen to me when I tell her things for her own good. How can I get her to heed my advice?

Dr.W: How do I know if your advice is any good? Maybe this is your problem. Try this. Before you present any advice to her, drink three glasses of orange juice with crushed wasp wings. If in five minutes your advice sounds dumb to you, don't say anything to her. Beware of a sharp thigh pain or two. If such pain persists, ask her if she has any advice on how to stop it.

Q: It always happens that when I fall in love with a woman she marries someone else before I can tell her. What concoction of things do I have to drink to change this.

Dr. W: None, you imbecile. When you feel you are in love, just tell her. Wizardry is not to be abused by the ignorant.

Q: I have no energy when I awake in the morning. I've tried everything from strong coffee to snorting amphetamines.

Dr. W: A natural cocaine-like punch can be homemade if you can blend an owl's tears, an ounce of squashed soldier ants, half an ounce of Hershey Kisses, a spoonful of baking soda and a quart of baked cream soda. Drink slowly and wait for the rush.

Q: Is there a wizard's cure for chronic body odor?

Dr. W: There are ointments made that apply to certain parts of the body. Snipped bluebird toes with the claws included, for instance, can be pulverized into a powder and taken with one-percent milk to stop foot odor. Please write again and tell me what part of your body is stinking and I can help.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.