Column Chronicles: Elvis elegy ensues, part 3

Elvis elegy ensues, part 3

Frank Cotolo
September 26, 2024

The myths collecting in the story of Elvis Presley stack high as the decades pass. Here are some mutating legends as they emerge.

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Elvis is still born but a scientific genius in the neigborhood saves him from death on Jan. 11, 1935. Elvis' mother, Gladiss has a negative effect from the birth -- she can only talk by singing.

In March, 1948 Elvis is playing classical guitar in Memphis Tennessee but no one appreciates that kind of music. Elvis goes on a vegetable diet to forget the complex fingering of playing classical music on guitar and eventually reduces his knowledge to five chords.

In February 1953, Elvis puts 2-in-1 oil into his hair and auditions for Sam Fillburn of Sunburnt Records. Sam likes what he sees and introduces Elvis to piano player Jerry Leeson Louis and then Sam is arrested for Grand Theft Auto.

In March, 1954, Jerry gave Elvis pills that kept him up so he could play for hours on tour. A bulbous bonehead named Parker tells Elvis to sign a contract and promises to make him a movie star even though his movies will be crap. Elvis agrees. That year, also, Jerry burns his house down and hunts for alligators.

In September of 1960, after serving years in the Army, Elvis thinks about starting a rock and roll group called The Battles and sing songs based on his war experience. Parker won't manage them; instead he shaves his head and lives like a monk. The Battles have arguments so bad that the drummer kills the base player just after the bass player kills the rhythm guitar player and then he commits suicide. Elvis is so depressed he buys four new Cadillac convertibles.

In 1964 British musicians invade the U.S.A. but Elvis does not want to fight them. Instead he impregnates all of the British female musicians and gains two hundred pounds before releasing his final album: ELVIS IS HUMUNGOUS.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.