Column Chronicles: Meds in development

Meds in development

Frank Cotolo
October 3, 2024

Our many sources in scientific development include sneaky folks snooping around chemical labs where new medicines are being created. Here are some of the chemical mixtures our sources tell us are yet to be fully tested and approved:

Sinamaticon
The drug is a careful mixture of other drugs that work to calm down anyone with uncontroled shivers and shakes.
Possible side effects: Counting backwards from fifty for no reason; inability to use a spoon; urges to run, skip, jump and play.

Dycumbion
This drug helps loss of hearing.
Possible side effects: Gas; excessive blinking; revolving on one leg; thirst for thick liquids; marching like a Nazi; smiling at nothing; craving to learn tricks with a lasso.

Rubicony
Reduces nervous sweating and hopeless crying.
Possible side effects: Walking in the sand while drooling; making phone calls to repairmen; everyone you know that you will be in the next Olympics; teaching algebra to the homeless; losing spare change; unable to eat oat-based breakfast cereals; collecting pennies that are not rare; soaking feet in a vat of olive oil.

Bynorgum
Relieves bone pain caused by fractures.
Possible side effects: Snoring when awake; bathing without water; cravings for wheat products and fast-food burgers; chasing station wagons with children riding; sexual excitement from browsing in a bake shop; disorientation when making a peace sign with fingers; pimples without puss.

Exopyathene
A stool softener and intestinal pain killer.
Possible side effects: leg cramps; kidney cramps; impetigo; ingrown nostril hair; vertigo; underarm rashes; imagining a ride on a coach through a forest on a snowy night; sudden urges to build furniture.

Pentoidigram
Reduces DNA degradation.
Possible side effects: searching for your Siamese twin; collecting autographs of Anthony Hopkins from various decades of his career; entering corn on the cob eating contests; a fear of socks; disorientation when hearing the name of a major league first baseman.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.