Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote classic films

If Dadaists wrote classic films

Frank Cotolo
February 1, 2024

How would certain classic motion pictures been different if written by Dadaists, the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Here are examples:

Rebel Without A Cause: REBEL BOBBLES CAUSES
A teen-aged boy gets cranky and stumbles upon a hotrod named Milktoast and falls for a nurse in the Navy whom carries a canary for a living.

Miracle On 34th Street: MOMMY MAGIC DISSOLVES IN GLUE
A widow with no napkins swears to her daughter that Santas Claws is real but unlawful and he burns herbs on the day Jesus was born in a forest filled with gorillas.

Mary Poppins: UMBRELLAS OF WRATH
A British maid with charcoal teeth employs a prince and his frog to fly across London and drop monkey feces on ordinary bakers in order to stain their footsteps in the wake of a blueberry storm wave.

On The Waterfront: ON THE LIQUID EDGE
An ex-dentist turned purple seaman struggles to wipe out longwinded corruption of guitarists, including banjo brothers while sewing the pants of a gangster whose sister lives in an abandoned Army tank.

Verigo: DIZZY DUKE AND DOLLY DO BAD
A man obsessed with a woman and her used Plymouth rake a yard of fallen coconuts while murder in the fourth degree parks on the Golden Gate Bridge during Lent only to batter the pinkos in pajamas on an old church roof made of Swiss Cheese priests.

A Hard Day's Night: MERRY MOPHEADS ALL AFTERNOON
A rock band on a train shoves a caboose into London with one of their grandfather's cheeky hoots moistening the boys as they sing about jumping, skipping, spitting, trainspotting, shedding and pulverizing pop music with pop bottles.

The Searchers: LOOK STOP LISTEN COWBOY GUYS
A full-fledged family is contrived from their log cabin by Bart and his gang of pony barons but a lone bargain basement galoot looks to find Bart and feed the family before sundown and cavalrymen poke nostrils from mules with corpuscle hernias.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.