Column Chronicles: Questionnaires (Derek Drake)

Questionnaires: Derek Drake

Frank Cotolo
January 16, 2025

Each year we send out a Questionnaire to semi-celebrated people. We ask them to answer the same questions. Our first for 2025 was completed by Derek Drake, author.

What makes you happy?
Crossing a lowercase T when I write by hand.

What trait do you admire about yourself?
I can refold any paper map in seconds and get a huge kick out of it. It's a hobby since I don't travel much by auto. Or at all. I admire that about me, too. The hell with other places, you know?

What is your greatest resentment?
It's hard to measure because I resent so much. Take party favors. They are insulting. If you need a party favor to recall a party then the party stunk. But I also resent being made to take medicine in the form of pills. You can choke. And people who talk to me without using slang.

On what occasion do you lie?
Most often after being asked a question.

Oranges or apples?
Oranges for throwing at people on motorcycles. Apples for tossing at doctors whom refuse to stay away when I am eating an apple a day to keep them away.

Who are your favorite authors?
B. Benny Bustswallow, Priscilla Price Mixalot, all Hemingway imitators including Yosuf Shotmeselv, Lilly Lips, Willy Sandbagg and Reginald Reginalds but only his fiction about The Land Of Aprons. I may've left out Ollie Scram but I just mentioned him.

How would you like to die?
During a dream where I am covered in homegrown rose pedals while angels the size of buttplugs circle my head while humming the score of a bad western movie where there are bald outlaws and toothless sheriffs carrying backpacks filled with AA batteries and so on. You get the picture.

When do you experience utter peace of mind?
When a strong wind blows my hat away and the rubber band snaps hard against my throat.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.