Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin P.I.E.; Cleanliness, godliness and murder, part two

Nick Cretin P.I.E.: Cleanliness, godliness and murder, part two

Frank Cotolo
March 27, 2025

Nick Cretin, P.I.E. (Private Investigator Extraordinaire) told Wanda that the man arrested for being The Clean God said she had hygene problems.

"He just he doesn't like my style," she said.

Nick said, "Can we go to your place?"

She brought him to her place. Nick looked around. She gave him a drink. He dropped it. The glass shattered on the rug. She left it there.

"I noticed in your bedroom has a collection of knives hanging on the walls," he said.

"I collect them from countries I won't mention."

"I also noticed your kitchen sink is filled with dirty dishes."

"You are observant for an investigator."

"And your bathroom floor is filthy."

"Good grief you're critical. What's your place look like? A church rectory?"

Nick wondered why she used a church rectory as a symbol for the opposite of her filthy place? The next day Nick went to see the man arrested for being The Clean God. "Is your lover religious?" Nick said.

"Yes. She was going to be a Catholic nun but didn't pass the test."

"There's a test to be a Catholic nun? Who knew," Nick said.

"She only failed by one question."

"Which question?"

"What quality is next to godliness? She didn't know that cleanliness is next to godliness."

Nick told the police Wanda was The Clean God serial killer. He explained she murdered random people because she failed the nun test and she had to clean up after murders to remind herself cleanliness is next to godliness. When arrested she confessed and her lover went free.

Nick visited Wanda in jail. She said, "I didn't think you were such a good investigator. How did you know it was me and not my lover?"

"Because I'm not just a good investigator," he said, "I'm an extraordiary investigator. And I like the way you do your hair."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.