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Frank Cotolo
February 2, 2010 |
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This week, Elvis Presley has officially entered the annals of legend, making
Elvis history a matter for Neo-post Modernists, meaning truth be damned from
here on. Elvis is no longer obligated to be anything but what we want him to be
and that means what we pass on to future generations concerning Elvis Presley
can be free of fact. Thus, I offer legendary trivia, in the spirit, not the
word, of Elvis history.
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Elvis had a twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, who reportedly died just before
Elvis was delivered. Then why did Elvis' parents name the boy who was not born?
Evidence is now being collected to indicate that Elvis died and Jesse lived and
that the parents also raised the afterbirth and named it Bart.
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Elvis earned a black belt in karate in 1960. Witnesses yet to testify insist
that Elvis could knock down a water tower with one chop.
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Elvis was considered for the Kris Kristofferson role in "A Star Is Born," the
1976 movie, but Colonel Parker refused him permission to act in a movie where
he wouldn't have top billing or be able to have sex with Mary Tyler Moore.
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Elvis owned a pet chimpanzee called "Scatter," which he would let run amok once
a year on the streets of Memphis to commemorate the death of actor Sabu.
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The autopsy of Elvis Presley detected ten different drugs in his bloodstream
when it was performed. The autopsy was performed so well that many thought it
should be booked in Las Vegas.
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Elvis was a direct descendant of Abraham Lincoln's great-great grandfather,
Isaiah Harrison, who was all shook up about ending slavery in America and
considered a hound dog for his opposition to homosexual farmers.
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Elvis bought Graceland mansion in 1957 from Mrs. Ruth Brown Moore for $102,500,
even though the asking price was $102,300.
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Elvis' body was reportedly stolen from the family crypt in Memphis in August,
1977 and returned on September, 1977, when the three men responsible for the
grave robbery said, "You can have it back, it doesn't sing anymore."
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