Elvis legend versus Elvis fact
 
 
Frank Cotolo
February 2, 2010
 
This week, Elvis Presley has officially entered the annals of legend, making Elvis history a matter for Neo-post Modernists, meaning truth be damned from here on. Elvis is no longer obligated to be anything but what we want him to be and that means what we pass on to future generations concerning Elvis Presley can be free of fact. Thus, I offer legendary trivia, in the spirit, not the word, of Elvis history.
 
Elvis had a twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, who reportedly died just before Elvis was delivered. Then why did Elvis' parents name the boy who was not born? Evidence is now being collected to indicate that Elvis died and Jesse lived and that the parents also raised the afterbirth and named it Bart.
 
Elvis earned a black belt in karate in 1960. Witnesses yet to testify insist that Elvis could knock down a water tower with one chop.
 
Elvis was considered for the Kris Kristofferson role in "A Star Is Born," the 1976 movie, but Colonel Parker refused him permission to act in a movie where he wouldn't have top billing or be able to have sex with Mary Tyler Moore.
 
Elvis owned a pet chimpanzee called "Scatter," which he would let run amok once a year on the streets of Memphis to commemorate the death of actor Sabu.
 
The autopsy of Elvis Presley detected ten different drugs in his bloodstream when it was performed. The autopsy was performed so well that many thought it should be booked in Las Vegas.
 
Elvis was a direct descendant of Abraham Lincoln's great-great grandfather, Isaiah Harrison, who was all shook up about ending slavery in America and considered a hound dog for his opposition to homosexual farmers.
 
Elvis bought Graceland mansion in 1957 from Mrs. Ruth Brown Moore for $102,500, even though the asking price was $102,300.
 
Elvis' body was reportedly stolen from the family crypt in Memphis in August, 1977 and returned on September, 1977, when the three men responsible for the grave robbery said, "You can have it back, it doesn't sing anymore."
 
Elvis' mother Gladys bought him his first guitar when Elvis was 12 but really wanted him to learn to play the tuba.
 
After seeing Elvis in concert, Liberace suggested Elvis wear flashy outfits and have sex with the piano player. Elvis agreed to the outfits and reserved a seat for Liberace at many of his concerts but there is no evidence he made it with Liberace. However, Elvis blushed every time Liberace was in the theater.
 
Elvis did not like confrontation. He wanted to fire his manager, Colonel Parker, many times. He would say to his friends, "Tell Parker he's fired." His friends would tell Parker and Parker would say, "Tell Elvis to say that to me personally." Elvis would then say to his friends, "Tell Parker to tell me to tell him that to him personally." His friends would tell Parker and Parker would say, "Tell Elvis that if I told him to tell that to me personally it means that I wouldn't be telling you to tell him to tell that to me personally." Elvis would then tell his friends to tell Colonel Parker, "Tell Parker that telling me to tell him or to tell anyone to tell something to him personally is very impersonal and then tell him to tell someone to tell me that I told him to tell... oh forget it, I don't even know what I am telling to who anymore." And that would be it.
 
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.
   
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