Column Chronicles
 
Survey impacts human race and others
 
 
Frank Cotolo
December 18, 2010
 
Cotolo Chronicles researchers recently reported on a survey that other surveys indicate will affect everyone in every culture on the planet. This remarkable statement was further strengthened when another survey confirmed what the survey about the survey revealed.
 
The first survey was conducted over a period of nine years, using over a million people from different places on Earth. It was said to be the largest survey ever conducted about affecting the entire human race (most other global-oriented surveys ignore people living in Ireland).
 
The unique survey was funded by the Survey Funding Institute, an institute privately supported by money donated to it from wealthy individuals (most who have never bounced a check).
 
The results of the study were revealed at a fully catered press conference in Zurich in late November. Among the tables filled with deviled eggs, bacon-covered liver, fruit pieces, ravioli and other delicately prepared morsels from the Top Bag Catering Company and Traveling Circus, were booklets covering the details of the study's results.
 
Hosting the presentation was J. Dire Corepundit, a well-respected host who was hired for the event by the Event Hiring Conglomerate of Former Education, which also owns the Fandango Cupcake Company, Styles Fake Butter Products and runs the Greatly Misunderstood Family Counseling Group.
 
"I welcome all of you to this punctual event," Mr. Corepundit said before he said anything else. "There was a time when the Institute was unsure if this moment would come, since three members of the board were indicted for public chicanery. However here we are with the results of the century, a survey that impresses upon every one in the human race that hope is not only eternal, it never ends..."
 
A panel of three to seven who worked closely on calculating the survey's results each took the podium but were forced to bring it back and talk about their experience in front of the invited guests.
 
Jason Marsdenworthy, a participant in the project from the onset, said to the crowd, "no matter what you think about our attire this evening it is essential you recline to the impact of this study's results."
 
Kirk Kirland, a participant in the project from the onset, said to the crowd that "each person surveyed was restricted from biting during questioning and no animals that had not been given their shots were allowed within five yards of the writing implements used to record the answers."
 
The results were not made available to the press until the press conference was concluded, which happened after the United Global Stand Up And Blow Hard Marching Band performed a spirited medley of thirty-nine national anthems.
 
"This survey," Roland Partition, a respected researcher and three-time hog-tossing champion said to the press, Ònow understates the meaning of human behavior and the importance of our community consciousness."
 
A press representative asked Mr. Partition if the survey of the survey of the survey strengthened the results of the original survey and if the other two surveys were needed to give validity to the main survey's controversial results.
 
Mr. Partition said, "No other survey but the original survey is needed to make the original survey meaningful. However, the other two surveys were necessary to provide more work for people who work on surveys and need overtime."
 
We obtained a copy of the original survey's results but used the hundred or so pages to wrap food from the munificent catering layout and bring to our office. Once the food stains have dried we will attempt to read the results and pass them on as best we can.
 
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.

Copyright © 2009-2011 SRN Mediaworks Productions, in association with Frank Cotolo.
All rights reserved. We are not responsible for the content of external links.
148.ca | Cafe | Fab | Radio | Local