Danger looms from the exploding sausage
 
 
Frank Cotolo
October 12, 2010
 
In early 1973 or maybe it was earlier, like 1954, an armed robber by the name of Tick lumbered into a bank in downtown Svengarten, Sweden. Firing shots as entered, he took a women and a man hostage, strapped explosive Italian sausage to their bodies and put them into a bank vault. After contacting police, Tick refused demands to surrender and/or disarm the explosive sausages.
 
The standoff lasted 17 days. Tick was arrested but a continued a caring relationship with his female hostage. It was a situation viewed with suspicion. Authorities were even more curious when they found that the female hostage wrote love poems to Tick on the foreheads of people walking main avenues in Svengarten and she shopped endlessly for explosive sausage.
 
The relationship that develops between some hostages, their captors and meat that can explode is now known as "Svengarten Syndrome".
 
Dr. Hold Moore says that almost a million Americans every year experience physical domestic violence that results in adoration for the abuser and a craving for sausage that can blow up.
 
"There are millions in abusive relationships," he says, "and many have intimate violence involving explosive sausage."
 
Dr. Moore is considered an expert in the Svengarten Syndrome because he owns a company that makes sausage that cannot explode.
 
"The bond that exists between the captor and the abuser can develop a need to be the victim of an explosion," Moore says. "The investment that one has made in the relationship directly impacts the ability to lust for the threatening aspects of an exploding meat, specifically, sausage."
 
Dr. Penelope Purplehose backs up Dr. Moore's theory. "It might be possible that Polish sausage can also be included in the syndrome," she told Swedish reporters who did not understand English but interviewed her anyway because she has lips the male reporters admired. "I am sure we will find cases involving big, thick Polish sausages that explode and we will find out that the Polish meat has a larger impact and may kill more people in the vicinity when it blows up."
 
"Some abused individuals," Moore says, "have had children with their abuser and the explosive sausage, no doubt, played a role in the sexual behavior needed to get the female pregnant."
 
"Indeed," says Purplehose, "sex with an Italian sausage that might explode at any time is exciting. I don't know a woman in all of Europe who hasn't had a fantasy including one. However, actually performing the act and using the deadly sausage is entirely different."
 
Filo Denzledangle, a professional negotiator, says that even before it was identified as a specific syndrome, abusers with explosive sausages were the toughest to bring in.
 
"Once," says Denzledangle, "a man had fifteen hostages and a string of Italian sausages wrapped around them. He said he would ignite the meat, kill them all and still have enough time to get home for dinner and prepare soup if we did not give him five bars of solid gold. It took many days to get him and later he was arrested for bigamy, marrying five of the hostages."
 
The Italian sausage has long been a popular food around the world but the explosive variety has only recently becoming a weapon for crazed outlaws. Credit for its invention goes to Bartoni Mastrollini, a man who spent the better part of his life attempting to create a means of suicide that would not cause death. Mastrollini discovered a dynamite stick made from Italian sausage. The exploding sausage worked, except it killed the victim. Frustrated and defeated, Mastrollini sold the idea to a local criminal family that began to manufacture the exploding sausage on the Black Market.
 
Moore says, "We may never know why love is connected to the exploding sausage. However, if you ever put one of those beauties in your mouth before it was cooked, you have to admit there is a pleasurable lust for the dangerous."
 
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.
   
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