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Frank Cotolo
March 20, 2014 |
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A few days ago someone from my legal staff came into my office and dropped a large pile of papers
upon my desk.
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"What's this?" I asked with a dull stare.
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"These are the drafts," said Person Start, Esq., "for your eulogy."
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"Am I going to die soon?"
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"Maybe, maybe not but eventually, yes."
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"And my staff has been spending time writing eulogies for me?"
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Person sat down on the edge of my desk. "Sir, we would never want to give a eulogy you did not
approve, so we are submitting drafts for you to read and sort. This way when the time comes you
will leave this world knowing what will be said about you publically."
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I agreed but was left with the task of reading and editing the material. I got to work that weekend,
cancelling a unique fishing trip, one that would take place while riding the rapids. Here are some
of my comments concerning the contributions to the eulogy, which of course would be a collection of
all the best things in the myriad of words written.
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"He was a stoic man with solid principals that were sound and serious ..." Nope. A eulogy is no
place for alliterations.
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"From birth he explored life to its fullest, using his umbilical cord as a lasso before it was
cut." I like this a bit.
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"In school they mocked him and beat him ..." Nope. They just beat me; I want some accuracy in this
thing.
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"His father thought he would amount to nothing but his mother stuck by his side through the worst
of times ..." I would use this if she were still alive but not now.
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"Loyalty was one of the three highest priorities on his list of qualities. That list, of course,
was long and read like a dictionary of moral behavior. This was admirable until he was found in a
hotel room with six eighteen-year-old hookers, not all of them girls ..." Hold on with this one. If
I use it, and only to show I was human in many ways, I want to add that hours of that meeting was
dedicated to teaching the youngsters how to use correct grammar during intimacies.
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