Column Chronicles
 
Spiders and I
 
 
Frank Cotolo
April 17, 2014
 
My love for spiders is a deep and untraceable. My earliest memory of being fascinated by spiders was watching a long-legged creature cross over my diapers and continue to walk swiftly until it stopped at my breast. I was seventeen years old.
 
Then, after reading many books about them, it became my obsession to understand them. I still don't know how I could have read so many books and still not have understood them, so I read more books and I studied pictures of the thousands of spider species. There were so many species that I lost count of the names after the list that began with "A". I looked into college courses on spiders but I was told I had to finish grade school first or at least be able to list the species of spiders past the letter "M".
 
Then one day my penchant for arachnids caused an epiphany. I imagined that spiders can see ultraviolet light.
 
This was a radical thought about spiders. Few of my colleagues took it seriously because, they said, "A guy can't hit it off with a woman by asking her if she thinks spiders see ultraviolet light." True, but even the time I went to see members of The International Society of Arachnology I was mocked. One member said to me, "Why don't you go swimming in your own saliva, you pork-fat brainless baboon." And that is very unlike a member of any society.
 
But now there is evidence that spiders can see ultraviolet light. It was reported in a Portuguese journal about spiders and people are recalling that I talked about it months before any publication on the topic.
 
An organizer of the International Congress of Arachnology asked me to appear at the ICA's next session. Since the invitation, I learned a few Portuguese sentences that may help me. For instance, I can say, "Quer que tente novamente mais tarde?" That means, "Do you want me to try again later?" That may not help my address to the group but it could help if I pick up a Brazilian girl.
 
I intend to tell the people attending the congress that I always knew male jumping spiders had great eyesight, especially when they were jumping female spiders, though I personally cannot distinguish them). This, I always felt, was proof alone that they possessed ultraviolet vision. But what did I know?
 
Now it is not so funny that I signed into hotels under the name Cosmo Phasis Umbratica. The same researchers who mocked me now wish they had thought to use that name first.
 
Perhaps things will change now that the people who take arachnids seriously are recognizing me. It could be that from now on I can walk into a crowded room of knowledgeable arachnid-friendly folks and they will point at me and say, "There is the man who said all along that spiders had ultraviolet vision."
 
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.

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