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Frank Cotolo
18 Apr, 2009 |
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Recently, I spoke before a group of people in public. You might call it a
public-speaking engagement, although I did not accept any proposals of
marriage. I found it interesting that everyone wanted to talk about current
events. I was wrong to think that people were going to want to hear me
correctly spell the names of old jazz musicians. But being a crowd-pleaser, I
addressed what pleased the crowd.
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Here is a transcript of my talk:
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Since the United States government report from The Department of Homeland
Security, or as we call it, the DHS, about rightwing extremists, a lot of
people have been upset. I don't know if anyone in the audience today is upset
or embraces being called an extremist but if you will all raise your hands and
tell me then I will have an idea.
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[ALL HANDS ARE RAISED]
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Good, then that settles it; no one here considers himself or herself an
extremist. How many, then, are upset about being called an extremist?
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[ALL HANDS ARE RAISED]
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Good, then that settles it, just about all of you are upset about being called
an extremist. You can put your hands down now.
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[ALL HANDS GO DOWN]
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It seems to me that all of you attach something negative to being called an
extremist, as if it is worse than being called a f---face or a stinking piece
of krap. So I ask can those of you who feel it is worse to be called an
extremist than a f---face or a stinking piece of krap to please raise your hands.
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[ALL HANDS ARE RAISED]
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I cannot understand, officially or in any other form, how one could take being
called an extremist to such a level. Can I see a show of hands that indicates
all of the people who feel it is extreme to be upset being called an extremist?
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[NO HANDS ARE RAISED]
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This is fascinating. Let me see a show of hands indicating how many people
here are disgruntled war veterans and, or, white power militias.
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[NO HANDS ARE RAISED]
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Now we are getting somewhere, or at least I am getting somewhere, because you
are not as confused as I am about the intensity of what the DHS report reports.
By the way, a report does report, so to say "what the DHS report reports" is
correct and, I may add and now do, it is not extreme to use the word "report"
as a noun and as a verb. Many of you may feel it is extreme but those who do
also do not consider themselves extreme. For instance, how many people here
feel that a person can be extremely extreme?
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[ALL HANDS ARE RAISED]
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Good. Now since to be extreme is, in itself, a definition of a condition,
then it is impossible for it to be more than itself. So you cannot be
moderately extreme, right?
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[ALL HANDS ARE RAISED EVEN THOUGH NO CALL FOR HANDS TO BE RAISED WAS ASKED]
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I must assume, unless any or all of you confirm my assumption, therefore
making it a fact, that if you are not extremists and yet you love to provide
a show of hands, that extremists will always keep their hands to themselves,
almost ashamed to show them. In fact, it may be true that extremists don't even
have the kinds of hands one would show.
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[ALL HANDS ARE RAISED EVEN THOUGH NO CALL FOR HANDS TO BE RAISED WAS ASKED]
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All right then, I think we have accomplished something great here today,
although it may take a few months for just what to be absorbed. So, I thank you
for showing your hands and being here on a day that will not go down in
history but may be looked upon as a fine day with temperatures in the high
sixties and clear skies. Thank you all and goodnight.
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[APPLAUSE]
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