Frank Cotolo
December 22, 2009

 

The term "No man is an island" will be retired, say literary experts, according to Cotolo Chronicles' sources, because a man who has been an island all of his life has been identified.

 

Cyrus Corpuscle was recently found after sixty-seven years of living alone and surrounded on all sides by water.

 

"Not only has he not had contact with any person in all that time," said Elias Mobart, a literary expert, "but the lower half of his body has never been out of the ocean. The man was a living island."

 

Mr. Corpuscle was found in the same spot he was allegedly born and where he also reportedly grew up, just off the coast of Suey, an isolated and population-free area of Bermuda.

 

"We are yet to find out how he was born in that spot or who his parents were or how he ate or slept," said Dexter Whitedove, author of the book, Clichés Are Fun.

 

Experts say the name Cyrus Corpuscle was tattooed on the man's neck and that the man did not know that is his name. "In fact," said Mobart, "he looks stupefied, almost in a coma. He has not responded to any of our questions."

 

Skeptics immediately called the find a hoax and urged the press not to cover the story. Riles Bent, a scientist with many credentials, all of them sewed to the inner surface of his shirt, said, "Of course a man cannot be an island. The phrase is a perfect metaphor and only that but it is still valid. This fellow they claim to have found living like an island is a fake, a fraud and an insult to those of us who must live and communicate with others. That is, non-island folks."

 

Another skeptic, Lukas Endolphin, who once threw an orange further than any living being, said, "This defies the laws of science and humanity. I don't believe it and neither does any scientist I have talked to since the claim was made. No man - I repeat - no man is an island or can be an island."

 

"He is truly an island," said Whitedove, "in every sense of the word, literal and poetic. There is no way we can ever use the famous phrase again!"