Frank Cotolo
October 28, 2009

 

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Cotolo Chronicles (CC) reporters say to forget about Pakistan, because that country's interior minister said that Osama bin Laden is probably in any other "stan" country, and he denied the al-Qaeda chief is in Pakistan.

 

"It is my assessment that there are so many other 'stan' countries, ones in the south and east and other directions in this area," the Interior Minister told our reporters, "that bin Laden could be in any."

 

The whereabouts of bin Laden are unknown, but he has been suspected of hiding along the rugged Afghan-Pakistani border. Now, experts in the area are broadening their theories.

 

The former U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan told CC reporters in Kabul last month he did not believe bin Laden was in Afghanistan, mentioning that smaller countries like Upanistan, Lamponastan and Oliveranstan might be better places to look.

 

"For one," said the ambassador, who changed his name from Rothstein to Roth when he got the ambassador job, "these other countries are smaller and easier to search."

 

Roth said that Pakistan is just the place most people know, so they tend to ignore Oppipooystan and Pigaramastan and Handstan. He said that bin Laden has friends in all of the countries that end in 'stan.' And he said that in some of the countries with names ending in 'stan,' bin Laden's name is spelled with an upper-case 'B' for the 'bin' part and that in other countries with names ending in 'stan,' evening news anchors wear bin Laden masks when broadcasting.

 

U.S. authorities admitted that they would have to determine how many countries with names ending in 'stan' exist before searching them.

 

A U.S. government database expert said he could name ten off hand, but not off the top of his head. "Remembering off my hands comes much easier for me," he said. "The top of my head has never been of good use to me."

 

An assistant says that her boss does most of his work "off hand" and that she has had to tell him that she is "hands off" because he likes to use his hands on female assistants.