Column Chronicles
The Worst Businessman of the Year
Frank Cotolo
September 21, 2023
Once again it's that time of 2023 to announce the winner of the degrading award, Worst Businessman of the Year.
This year's winner was born and raised in a poor neighborhood in Chicago and has traveled here tonight from an even poorer neighborhood in Milwaukee Inbetween, he managed to lose millions of dollars of his own and of his investors in businesses that went bankrupt. His only explanation for each failure was to say, "They seemed like great investments at the time."
As an example, he opened a franchise called I-HOP and was so confident it would succeed he bought the first ten stores himself. But within weeks The International House of Parachutes was a total failure.
He gathered a ton of cash for a business called MUFFLERS AND MUFFINS and for a week or so it looked like it would make back investors money in no time. However, in less than a month, the outlet was forced to close. "I thought eating fresh muffins of all kinds while waiting for car mufflers to be replaced was something the general public would love."
Also in the long line of failures, our winner opened an online shop to purchase false teeth; a mail order business for wealthy people who wished to purchase goldfish made of actual gold; an app that measured a person's hunger so that the person would not overeat; an online school teaching people how to grow coffee beans in any normal garden; and he manufactured Grandson Clocks (half the size of Grandfather Clocks and cheaper) and Great Grandson clocks (a third of the price of a Grandfather Clock).
Welcome Pete Flegmstyles. [Applause]. Pete, did you ever think you would be the worst businessman of any year?"
"Well, no. Because all of my businesses seemed like great investments at the time." [Applause]
Pete, we have a trophy for you. And we have something else for you to bring back to your modest cardboard tent home. Wait, I am wrong. We have nothing else for you but your place in history is secured. Let's hear it for Pete Flegmstyles. The 2023 Worst Businessman of the Year. [Applause]
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address:
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