Column Chronicles: Even More Weird Want Ads

Even More Weird Want Ads

Frank Cotolo
September 17, 2026

Newspapers that once existed helped pay the bills by selling Want Ads for public perusal. There was rarely a rule as to what could be advertised for sale and even when there were rules people got away with breaking them. Here are some strange Want Ads we collected over the years.

WANTED - A pocket full of miracles. These must be guaranteed upon purchase and not be harmful to those not included in the gift. Will pay a lot of money unless miracles listed from the pocket are just plain dumb.

FOR SALE - Three automobiles welded together by their bumpers. They also have a color scheme from the first hood to the third trunk resembling a rainbow. Colorblind need not make an offer.

WANTED - A used Iron Lung. Must be at the most a decade old and have been used less than thirty times. Must be sterilized on the inside and not rusted on the exterior. Size unknown but it once belonged to a circus performer who was electrocuted while wearing it. Any sale is final.

FOR SALE - Rope. Long, short, some still wrapped around luggage stolen from a unidentified airport (though there are stickers indicating it was identified in Seattle, Washington in 1976). Variety includes some Twisted Manilla and Natural Hemp and PMI Kernmantle and General Purpose and Silent Braided Nylon.

WANTED - Live Lawn Figures. Must me between the ages of 21 and 76. Any gender willing to sign an agreement that they will stand in position (positions assigned) through rain and snow and sleet and dark of night. Reasonable salary and health insurance. No experience necessary but should list at least one acting credit on resume.

WANTED - Anything of value. Call after dark.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.