Column Chronicles: Questionnaires: Sir Barton Basemaster III

Questionnaires: Sir Barton Basemaster III

Frank Cotolo
March 26, 2026

Each year we send out a Questionnaire to semi-celebrated people. We ask them to answer the same questions (with some exceptions). Our first for 2026 was completed by professional royalty spokesman Sir Barton Basemaster II.

What makes you happy?

Winning an amature miniature car race against members of other royal families.

What trait do you admire about yourself?

Royals have so many admirable traits. I may have more than all of them put together. To list them would sound egotistic and I care to be humble, even though that is not one of the traits I admire in anyone.

What is your favorite royal event?

The annual fist bumping tournament. Lots of royals like this competition more than they show up to take part in it. Stuffy bunch, you know?

What is your greatest resentment?

A journalist once wrote that I was brilliant discussing the affects of royalty on international politics.

You resent that?

Yes. I should have insisted my views are genius, not brilliant. Instead I clammed up. Let him put me down like that. Never should have clammed up.

On what occasion do you lie?

I am never far from truth when I respond to the public but to answer your question I have to lie.

Oranges or apples?

Pears. Screw your choices. Pears are underrated as a fruit. And as a metaphor. Pears are blessed. Pears are annointed with spiritual juices.

Who is your spiritual mentor?

I think that is obvious. Johnny Bench. He was a catcher for baseball's Cincinnati Reds.

How would you like to die?

Physically?

Yes.

I do not think about it but if I did it would be a glorious departure from this mortal coil. It would include many colours shooting from my orifaces and a large brass band. Maybe a marching one. It would not be painful but sad. Millions of people across the seven seas would kneel for hours and cry rivers thinking about this planet existing without my presence.

When do you experience utter peace of mind?

My mind is not adept at peace. It works constantly with the kind of strain and stress and disturbance that most if not all humans cannot comprehend. So there.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.